Not taking that Step into Reality

Friday 4th – First thought on waking is wonder how the meeting with the genetic team will go today.  2nd thought is why on earth am I awake at 6.30am – oh no another bloody consultants visit.  This time back to see Bill, remember the guy who took me back to theatre on the 28th.  Ladies if you ever need to see a gynae I would recommend this one.  He’s just lovely and actually makes a visit fun which I know is something very weird to
say!!!  He had me in stitches as to how he managed that day with the leg elevated and not bent, I told him I really didn’t need to know this but he insisted – bit of a sadistic humour, just my type.  Having examined me, glad I got up early now and showered, he doesn’t need to see me again but was very encouraging in saying that his door was open if I needed to go back at any stage.  He asked me about my treatment and recovery so far, explained exactly how the sentinel node biopsy would be done and was very matter of fact.  He too was raging about the PET scan situation but said he’d help arrange one now if I wanted to push it, felt the whole thing was a disgrace and wished me the very best of luck in the future, said it was going to be a long, hard road and that I’d be dealing with doctors for a few years yet – flip and double flip this just keeps getting longer and longer. Then, having written another cheque, yes I did land on the floor again, back in for dressings.  Dear God I was
attacked today, silver nitrate out again but this time silver patches, like gauze, put on wound so now feel as if someone has a hot poker to it.  You can guess what I’d like to do with a hot poker now – no I’m not violent, honestly!

Just had a think this morning, I am slowly but surely making my way up Eccles Street, or is it down, probably down, never know my left from my right!!!  I see Frank in the Private
Hospital, see Denis in no 79, John is in 73 and Bill today was in 69.  I walked up a little bit more and ARK House is no 65.  I stood outside and wondered.  They were closed so that was the end of that.  ARK house were absolutely terrific to both my friend who died and to his wife who has done huge funding for them since.  Part of me wants to go in but another part feels this is again a further step into reality.  Despite what has been going on
I really haven’t taken the reality step yet. It is this day 2 months ago that I had my initial consultation with Frank also it’s very hard for me to both understand and accept that I’ve been in remission for 22 years if that’s what you call it.  Have since learned that with malignant melanoma you are never in remission, you are No Evidence of Disease!! Yes I’ve
been living with this for 22 years, living not dealing with.  It comes, I get surgery/treatment whatever, I recover and I move on and put it behind me, this time feels different though,
can’t quite figure why thinks it’s because of the reaction when medics hear my history.  So again, shoulders back, chin out, there’s nothing I can do but take each day as it comes and not look too far ahead

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About carnsoreboxer

Mad housewife and mother who enjoys golfing, reading and travelling
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One Response to Not taking that Step into Reality

  1. David Ferrie says:

    That’s another very honest, both with the reader and yourself piece of writing. You have a great attitude, I have great respect for you and how you have dealt with what has been thrown at you.

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