Tuesday 8th March
Not in remission – this has come as a big shock to me as I always felt that you were in remission for 5 years then cancer clear – not on your life. With this thing the best they
say is No Evidence of Disease, therefore for the 22 years I’ve been in and out of NED! Hmm not sure about that at the moment but do wish it had a better acronym!
NED NED NED – sounds like another man in my life ha ha.
My sons’ school phoned me last night enquiring how his mocks were going. Poor chap has leaving cert in June. He is an anxious child and his teachers had said the exams could go well or he could just as easy blow it depending on his level of anxiety. What could I say to the teacher, my mind just hasn’t been on the ball for the past number of weeks. Yes I ask him how he’s doing, make sure he’s fed, he eats a lot, warm, quiet place to study etc. but I
don’t feel I’m giving him the support he should be getting. Feel totally crap about this as the focus of the year was him and what he wanted. What a bad year to get sick. Eventually I loosely told the teacher that I wasn’t well and that the house had been turned upside down, where he had originally asked me to get information from him at the end of next week the call ended with him saying he would talk to The Boy himself. This school and teachers all know me very well, they know I’m on the ball, don’t take any crap and am intelligent (I am really) after all I was the Chair of the Parent Association for a year! Great fun but hard work – another blog? I would say this poor guy was quite shocked when I said I really didn’t know what was going on. I keep saying to Denis Did you take some of my brain away at the same time as the cancer? Just don’t seem to be clear in the head at
the moment and it’s driving me nuts.
I was quite upset after the call, silly you might think but it’s the small things that catch you, it reminded me that I had my first graft in 2001 the year The Boy started there in 2nd class and here I am on another graft as he is in 6th year and leaving. Good God!
Still can’t quite take in the reality of the past 22 years, maybe I never will.
So this morning I plucked up the courage and dropped into Ark House. As previously said I do know a lot about it from my friends, have played in loads of fundraising golf
outings for them but never thought I would ever need to pass the threshold. Well today I did and was met by a volunteer who brought me in, offered the tea and coffee – don’t care what time it is what about a drink? I think – settled for a glass of water! As well as
offering counselling and various relaxation therapies and information books it has a lovely sitting room and garden that you can drop into and not be bothered by anyone or indeed feel any need to talk. Next time I’ve to drink 2 awful drinks over an hour before a scan I
think I’ll bring them over there. It is really lovely, quiet, warm and welcoming. Wonder will I ever go back? Don’t like having to face reality like this!
Apart from having to face reality the one thing that is driving me mad is the lack of control I have over myself at the moment. I am a control freak and much organised. I also have slight OCD, well I say slight others, as in family, may say severe! I don’t like that I can’t plan ahead at the moment. Since I saw John and I thought I’d 3 weeks holiday yet I’ve seen 3 consultants since! Due to my phone call to his secretary yesterday I discover I’m in for ultrasound next Monday, letter still coming. I’m sorry, I know everyone is doing their best but I would like a bit more notice, it’s just the way I am.
Golf club is great – no the golf course is great and the club house is fine too. Everyone is
being incredibly supportive, however, there are one or two whom I feel are over
stepping the mark, out of goodwill I’m sure, but are being a little too over concerned and are nabbing me to find out “exactly” what’s going on. I have no problem talking about any of this, as I’m sure you’ve gathered, but please in my time and I am trying to keep the
club as a health free sanctuary.