21st May – This secretary is the most annoying person I’ve have had to communicate with. Weekend passed as did Monday. Finally it’s Tuesday and no phone call so I eventually ring her again. Oh yes, I did get your message so you want to come in. We no actually I don’t but your boss and the other 4 consultants I’m dealing with want me to, do you really think I’d be wishing this upon myself? I wait, and wait and wait, finally I ask is she still there, yes she’s looking up the diary! How does Tuesday suit? I think I can pencil you in then, or maybe you’d prefer something later? Ok this is getting ridiculous, I’ve been waiting for this since the end of January and now there is the pressure of time as my leg must be healed before interferon starts. Does this woman never listen? Finally we settle on me being admitted on Tuesday, maybe, I’m just pencilled in. I go back into the clubhouse and suddenly it hits me. This is really happening, I have had surgery this year, I do have cancer back again, I will be going on interferon, I do seem to, yet again, have dodged the bullet – I get a huge rush of emotions and am noticeably quiet. I have to tell one manager I am able to play, another that I can’t, have to take my name off timesheet for next Tuesday, have to take my name off team for a breast cancer scramble on the Thursday, and won’t be available to be in clubhouse in person when they are drawing lines for the Lady Captains Day. I’m totally fed up; this blasted thing is interfering with my life again.
I return home not the best and tell my OH who thinks it’s great that I’ve finally got the date – he just doesn’t understand where I am on this. I head to the shop and buy a big bar of chocolate to cheer myself up. Wednesday I’m no better, just in bad form and really want to run away. How I am wishing for the previous 5 times this has got me that I was able to get over my surgery and get on with my life without all this other stuff that’s happening this time around. Thursday I send an email to my surgeon as his secretary, upon reflection, has given me little or no information. To my delight and surprise he phones me and is very open with all my post-operative care and what exactly to expect on Tuesday. I still feel no better.
Friday I end up playing a match for the club. All is going fine until my partner starts asking me about my health while playing the 5th hole. She has no idea how lucky she is that she was able to finish the game and I certainly couldn’t state here what I wanted to do with my driver! It would have hurt! My rule of thumb when I’m playing golf is not to ask me or make any comment on my health on the course, it is my health free zone, but I just cannot understand someone bringing this up in the middle of a match? Talk about breaking my concentration, luckily we halved on the 18th and the 2 matches behind us won so a win overall. My focus now is to lose a shot which will rule me off the team and therefore won’t be playing with this particular lady again.
Following the 18 holes yesterday morning and the dinner afterwards I jumped into the car and headed back to my own club where we had social golf and bbq. Yes I did play again, and played well and as far as everyone is concerned, once I can play I’m well. Am fed up with not being able to play Thursday but have been asked to the dinner that evening. I am supposed to be on bed rest for 48 hours and won’t be allowed drive, but if I’m feeling up to it I will get a lift up – we’ll just have to see.
So, reality is that I’m in for surgery on Tuesday whether I like it or not, well I think I am, stupid secretary phoned me at 10.30 yesterday morning and didn’t leave a message, when I rang back I was greeted with the office won’t be attended until next Tuesday afternoon. I will only be in for the day but have to rest seriously for 2 weeks afterwards as I’m at risk of developing complications. How does this make me feel? Miserable and fed up, there are pros and cons to doing this. If they find something it will help get me onto a trial programme at some stage in the future but will also mean a block dissection which will mean more problems. If they don’t find anything, great, you would say, however, this is such a bitch of a cancer that it has been found to bypass the lymph nodes, therefore some medical advice is to leave the lymph system alone. On the other hand mine was so deep and aggressive that they feel they must do it. There just doesn’t seem to be conclusive proof either way plus it can also throw up false negative and false positive results. An example of how serious this cancer is – 20 year old male, discovered to have melanoma in liver and lungs, they know there is a primary melanoma but they can’t find it – there are no changes on his skin. This must be one of the most difficult cancers to manage and treat and all I and other sufferers can hope for is that at some stage in the future it becomes a sexy cancer with greater research and greater public awareness.
Playing mixed match in the morning – no one better mention my health on the golf course, I’m not feeling so patient at the moment!